[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
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The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.