[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
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#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.