[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
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Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster