[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
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You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently