[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
You Might Also Like
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
philosophical skeletons be like
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist