[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
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This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
(2022)
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes