[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
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Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
You have been warned.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit