[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
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Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…