[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
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People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
This is amazing.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Breaking news:
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
who will stop them
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]