Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
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The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.