My Indian name is dances without coordination.
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Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart