[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
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“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.