Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
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You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”