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It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?