[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
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I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”