[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
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TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
The little toadstool has spoken.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
OMG 🤣🤣
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding