*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
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If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Customize Your Wedding.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!