*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
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Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets