[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
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I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
meow
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Just parrot things
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Can’t. Being lazy.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
when there are deer in the woods
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*