Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
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Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote