[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
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“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind