[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
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robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.