[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
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I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Worth a try