Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
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After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Seas the day!!!!
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.