First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
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Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
The news in a nutshell.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink