First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
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May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”