[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
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My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
“you changed” bro i was 15
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.