Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
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Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.