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Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this