If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
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I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Seductively sings in Klingon.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
sigh
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.