Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
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let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Me when someone tries to get to know me
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.