[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
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Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
#damn
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”