[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
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Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?