First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
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Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them