[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
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[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
British people be like I’m Bri ish
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.