[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
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Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless