wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
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I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Good Morning.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
The Punning Dead.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.