Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
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Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.