[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
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[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation