[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
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wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Bed should get ready for ME
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*