[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
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Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Smooooooth
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]