What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
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Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.