[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
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baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
BRAKING NEWS!!
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Got him!
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.