[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
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Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.