[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
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If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.