[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
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My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”