There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
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Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.