[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
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GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
For anyone who needs this today
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
I am yelling
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.