*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
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PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.