*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
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Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.